Personal Stuff

Today marked another big history in my life. Only today I feel like the relationship is really over. I can be sure it’s the last time I’m going to ever talk to him about the issues we had. And also the last time we would ever talk again. Before this we decided to remain friends, but things got really ugly. Curiosity, lies, anger and dissatisfaction grew like mushrooms after the rain. It’s true when people say friendship after relationship is almost impossible. I know I am not the best person in the world; I’ve done a lot of damages in the relationship but he has done the same too. But yeah, I don't want to talk bad about him.

Now it’s not that I didn’t and couldn’t move on; I did. Two months after our breakup, we were still in contact and remained good friends. And soon I decided to move to KL to pursue my dream – this time I have moved on. But then there he was telling me he misses me, loves me, can’t contain his feelings for me after I got on the plane. I got really confused and the feelings and hope to be in a relationship with him again, emerged. And that was the very moment things started to get ugly in addition to our distance.

I tried to divert my attention by caring for someone else, but it didn’t work. I still have the hurt inside of me and I tried to talk about it to people. It’s a challenge when everybody is busy when you want to talk about it, and when people aren’t busy anymore you are not ready to talk about it.

If I’m an author, I would write down everything in a novel and publish it. I guess I was given what I asked for from God (if he’s not for me, break us apart. No matter what we do, we won’t be able to be together again), but then at the same time I couldn’t accept it. You know sometimes it is best not to do things ever so willingly for 1 person. When you know that the person only pitied you instead of loving you for all those things that you have done and sacrificed, you do feel like jumping from a tall building. Deep down in my heart I do feel I was being treated unfairly, but it is all history now. I want to bury it under the ground and leave it there untouched. And I don’t mind how he would describe me or the relationship was like to other people; I simply give him the freedom to describe it.

I am not angry or despise him but the whole thing really leaves me traumatized and scarred. I just wish that he would be happy with his decisions and life.

Far From Home

It has been ages since the last post I did and I was a bit surprised to see that there were people who read it after I stopped writing. Well since my blog is public and there on the net, so of course people will somehow stumble upon it. Haha, silly me. =”)

Today I had a really long period of thinking and pondering upon several things. I met an old friend of mine and she shared to me about her relationship. Listening to her side of story made me realized all that I have assumed were wrong, and somehow I can relate so much with my own. She has been so inspiring.

After meeting her, I was hesitant whether to go back home and face the jam, or go to Midvalley to roam around and clear my mind while waiting for my sister to complete her shift. I guess I had too many things on my mind because I went to the wrong station - monorail station instead of KTM.

Too afraid to turn back to KL Central Station (…because a guy chased after me before that), I decided to go to Times Square. I had no plan whatsoever; the only thing in mind was to sit quietly in a restaurant or café, watch those people walk by, have a drink and think through about what had happened so far.

When I reached, I went around hunting for food court/café but didn’t see any up to my expectation. Plus I wasn’t feeling hungry that time but I know I must fill up my stomach with something. Hence I kept on walking while looking everywhere – all those pretty clothes and stuff, the beautiful and handsome people there – without actually really looking at them. My mind was actually thinking how lonely it would be, being thousands of kilometers away from home. And that was just one of it.

Being so used to busyness for almost two years – juggling between work shifts, study, activities with family/friends and time for myself – I was completely lost when all those busyness came to a halt. Of course I still went out occasionally, but the urge to be around people was so strong; especially when my relationship has ended. Hence I started to find person/people to talk to, and got really upset when there was no response.

Staying here is lonelier than ever – it’s like staying in jail – especially with my condition now. Almost every time, you stand on your own feet. However, I gave it a thought just now and decided that being lonely is not so bad after all. It’s time for me to think and care for myself. The urge to be around people or the clinginess and being dependent on people, have all made me even lost. I cannot decide or make up my mind even about the simplest thing. I need at least someone’s opinion and only then I can decide. That was ridiculous.

I realized I ought to be thankful (even though I am quite lonely) because at least I can relax and do what I like for the day, compared to those unfortunate people who were left homeless or orphaned without friends and family. After all next month I am going to start my practical in Traders Hotel, KLCC, so it means I won't be forever alone. =]

Another thing on my mind was about identity or being my true self. Today I saw two different groups of Sabahan and overheard their conversations since they were talking in normal tone. Honestly before today, I was quite afraid and hesitant to speak in Malay. If I do, I will speak in low tone (but sometimes my tuning is not that good). I remember when I was having conversation with my friend in KTM (it was rather packed that time); few pairs of eyes were looking at us. At first it was rather uncomfortable but as we chit chatted further, they stopped looking and I started to feel relax.

There was this one funny incident where the staff in Yamaha spoke to me in Cantonese about acoustic guitar, and all I did was just smiled at him and ran out of the shop. Hahaha. I know it was silly because I can speak to him in Mandarin, but I guess I was just chickening out to speak any other language than the one he was using. Most of the shopkeepers/salespersons would speak to me in Cantonese, but usually if I don’t really understand, I would just turn around and walk away. Yes I know; me silly and rude.

When my sister finally picked me up from Times Square, she mentioned to me a lot about some of the people here. I noticed that most of the attitudes and characters that they have, I already have it with me even before I stepped foot here. It was kind of a slap in the face, but yeah…

Anywayssssss, different topic… someone said to my sister “asal dr kampong” and when I knew about it, it boiled my blood for a minute. Luckily I didn’t respond on impulse or else I could make a tease become a World War III. Eekk >.<