Personal Stuff

Today marked another big history in my life. Only today I feel like the relationship is really over. I can be sure it’s the last time I’m going to ever talk to him about the issues we had. And also the last time we would ever talk again. Before this we decided to remain friends, but things got really ugly. Curiosity, lies, anger and dissatisfaction grew like mushrooms after the rain. It’s true when people say friendship after relationship is almost impossible. I know I am not the best person in the world; I’ve done a lot of damages in the relationship but he has done the same too. But yeah, I don't want to talk bad about him.

Now it’s not that I didn’t and couldn’t move on; I did. Two months after our breakup, we were still in contact and remained good friends. And soon I decided to move to KL to pursue my dream – this time I have moved on. But then there he was telling me he misses me, loves me, can’t contain his feelings for me after I got on the plane. I got really confused and the feelings and hope to be in a relationship with him again, emerged. And that was the very moment things started to get ugly in addition to our distance.

I tried to divert my attention by caring for someone else, but it didn’t work. I still have the hurt inside of me and I tried to talk about it to people. It’s a challenge when everybody is busy when you want to talk about it, and when people aren’t busy anymore you are not ready to talk about it.

If I’m an author, I would write down everything in a novel and publish it. I guess I was given what I asked for from God (if he’s not for me, break us apart. No matter what we do, we won’t be able to be together again), but then at the same time I couldn’t accept it. You know sometimes it is best not to do things ever so willingly for 1 person. When you know that the person only pitied you instead of loving you for all those things that you have done and sacrificed, you do feel like jumping from a tall building. Deep down in my heart I do feel I was being treated unfairly, but it is all history now. I want to bury it under the ground and leave it there untouched. And I don’t mind how he would describe me or the relationship was like to other people; I simply give him the freedom to describe it.

I am not angry or despise him but the whole thing really leaves me traumatized and scarred. I just wish that he would be happy with his decisions and life.