Today I had a really long period of thinking and pondering upon several things. I met an old friend of mine and she shared to me about her relationship. Listening to her side of story made me realized all that I have assumed were wrong, and somehow I can relate so much with my own. She has been so inspiring.
After meeting her, I was hesitant whether to go back home and face the jam, or go to Midvalley to roam around and clear my mind while waiting for my sister to complete her shift. I guess I had too many things on my mind because I went to the wrong station - monorail station instead of KTM.
Too afraid to turn back to KL Central Station (…because a guy chased after me before that), I decided to go to Times Square. I had no plan whatsoever; the only thing in mind was to sit quietly in a restaurant or café, watch those people walk by, have a drink and think through about what had happened so far.
When I reached, I went around hunting for food court/café but didn’t see any up to my expectation. Plus I wasn’t feeling hungry that time but I know I must fill up my stomach with something. Hence I kept on walking while looking everywhere – all those pretty clothes and stuff, the beautiful and handsome people there – without actually really looking at them. My mind was actually thinking how lonely it would be, being thousands of kilometers away from home. And that was just one of it.
Being so used to busyness for almost two years – juggling between work shifts, study, activities with family/friends and time for myself – I was completely lost when all those busyness came to a halt. Of course I still went out occasionally, but the urge to be around people was so strong; especially when my relationship has ended. Hence I started to find person/people to talk to, and got really upset when there was no response.
Staying here is lonelier than ever – it’s like staying in jail – especially with my condition now. Almost every time, you stand on your own feet. However, I gave it a thought just now and decided that being lonely is not so bad after all. It’s time for me to think and care for myself. The urge to be around people or the clinginess and being dependent on people, have all made me even lost. I cannot decide or make up my mind even about the simplest thing. I need at least someone’s opinion and only then I can decide. That was ridiculous.
I realized I ought to be thankful (even though I am quite lonely) because at least I can relax and do what I like for the day, compared to those unfortunate people who were left homeless or orphaned without friends and family. After all next month I am going to start my practical in Traders Hotel, KLCC, so it means I won't be forever alone. =]
Another thing on my mind was about identity or being my true self. Today I saw two different groups of Sabahan and overheard their conversations since they were talking in normal tone. Honestly before today, I was quite afraid and hesitant to speak in Malay. If I do, I will speak in low tone (but sometimes my tuning is not that good). I remember when I was having conversation with my friend in KTM (it was rather packed that time); few pairs of eyes were looking at us. At first it was rather uncomfortable but as we chit chatted further, they stopped looking and I started to feel relax.
There was this one funny incident where the staff in Yamaha spoke to me in Cantonese about acoustic guitar, and all I did was just smiled at him and ran out of the shop. Hahaha. I know it was silly because I can speak to him in Mandarin, but I guess I was just chickening out to speak any other language than the one he was using. Most of the shopkeepers/salespersons would speak to me in Cantonese, but usually if I don’t really understand, I would just turn around and walk away. Yes I know; me silly and rude.
When my sister finally picked me up from Times Square, she mentioned to me a lot about some of the people here. I noticed that most of the attitudes and characters that they have, I already have it with me even before I stepped foot here. It was kind of a slap in the face, but yeah…
Anywayssssss, different topic… someone said to my sister “asal dr kampong” and when I knew about it, it boiled my blood for a minute. Luckily I didn’t respond on impulse or else I could make a tease become a World War III. Eekk >.<
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