FiNaLLy!!!

Alas I have resigned!

I feel so happy now that I've finally walk out from that workplace.. Uhm, I mean Im happy not because I hate to work there. I love working there, especially with those colleagues who often share bout their life to me. But then I think I've had enough working there. Im really tired and I think I had given my best there. I dont want to offer my "service" anymore.. Haha.. Since the day I gave my resignation letter (on 2/5/2009), my heart and mind no longer focus on work. I just kept on counting the days cuz I really cant wait to resign. But then my parent told me not to resign first. I had already gave the letter and only then they told me not to resign? No way. Last time they were the ones who constantly asked me to resign. Now they tell me to continue working? No way. I've made up my mind and that's that.

I remember my colleague used to tell me that she cant believe I can bear all the trouble I get to go to 1B.. She said that because most of those workers prefer to go working in Warisan. It's nearer and they have transportation there (and commission is higher there). I just smiled and told her that I can do nothing else cuz the manager wanted me to work in 1B. Cuz really, no one wants to go working in 1B.

Looking back, I remember when I first stepped foot in the shop. The manager was like treating me as if Im one dumb new girl.. Like I dont know how to do anything. That time I feel like she's underestimating me. And I can still remember how much pressure it was to remember about all those skincare. And another difficulty in learning them mostly on your own. But I always keep in mind that I will show her and prove that she's wrong about me. And yeah, the time came when she and new staffs (including me) went for training. Thank God the time came cuz I know Im more than what she thought I am. Finally she's the one who often ask me bout those products. And what are those words saying that all my certs dont really mean a thing? In the end she's the one who asked for my help in computer thingy and english stuff..

However Im really glad cuz I got new friends and I've learn quite a lot of things there. It was a great learning experience and Im really thankful cuz it makes me become a stronger person. Im not resentful toward my manager, or that Im trying to make her look bad. Im just telling the truth of what happened there and how I feel. I had been doing my best but then the pay wasnt so great, so why prefer to stay longer there? I'd rather stay at home doing nothing than to work endlessly while the pay isnt tally with what I've done. Somehow it makes me feel as if I'd been taken for granted. So I tell myself that Im walking out forever. Even if Im going to receive better offer from the same workplace in the future, Im not going to go back there. Never.

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After work last night, my buddies asked me to go to the beach with them. Actually they had asked me to go to the beach with them two days before that... But that time I went to KDCA with my love, so cannot go to the beach with them. Of course my buddy was kinda disappointed but then I cant see my love very often, so the top priority is still him la.. It's not like Im neglecting anyone. Im trying my best to entertain everyone and dont let them feel I left them out.

So last night my GGMK buddies (my sis gave us this name.. Member consists of Lucien, Roy, Ilra and myself. Haha..) came to 1B to fetch me. It was raining and I waited outside for them. I thought they were going to stop the car in front of the shopping mall cuz that was where I usually wait. But then they didnt know it and I didnt know that they dont know it. So I called Roy and asked where they were. He told me they already reached there and asked me to go to Tune Hotel. So I went there. I thought they were outside Tune Hotel. I waited there for a few minutes but still the sight of Lucien's car was nowhere to be seen.

So I called Roy again and asked him where exactly they were. He told me to go to RHB bank this time. I was getting mad at him that time cuz I was wet already and had a mild fever at the same time. So I really didnt realized what I've said to him. People were looking at me; probably because I was talking too loud. When the fact is, I really didnt want to scold him or anything. So after finished talking, I went there and waited. Still no sight of Lucien's car at all. I was getting really impatient so I called again. Then Roy told me to go to Orange shop and enter the shop. Before he even got the chance to continue talking, I already disconnect the call (I cant believe I did that. I was just so damn mad). So I went inside and walked all the way through the shop.

As soon as I met him, I complained that he didnt give a specific place to meet. And I think that's the first time I got mad at him. I really never got mad at him before. He said I should appreciate that people came and fetched me. I told him I appreciate that but that's not the point. I didnt mean to scold him or anything, it's just that I was feeling unwell and had to go here and there and got wet again. And I dont mind waiting, as long as the person come and dont cancel off last minute. It just that I was tired from working the whole day, and that was why my patience was really limited. So I apologized to him if he felt that I scolded him. I was actually feeling like hell too that whole day. I didnt just sat in the shop yesterday; got a lot of things to be done actually.

Thankfully we were ok afterward, even though I know my words had hurt him. Huhu.. So we reached Tanjung Aru beach and bought some food and beverages. We sat down at the brightest spot and talked bout our plans to go Ranau and Tenom. So after talking for almost an hour or two, we went back home. After all Ilra and me cant stay outside until too late, and my fever was really making my head heavy.

salesperson vs salesperson

This morning (I mean the morning of 22/05/2009), I went to work as usual.. It felt kinda weird, cuz it's Friday but I felt like it was Saturday.. When I was in da bus, my mind suddenly recalled back a situation that happened yesterday (21/05/2009) at my workplace..

There was this guy who is a direct sales agent.. He came to the shop and without looking at other people but me (probably because he thought that my two other colleagues cant speak Chinese), he put down his belongings near the cash register counter and took a catalogue out.. After he greeted me, he instantly asked a few questions and told me bout one of the product in the catalogue... It was lipstick from tut-tut brand.. I looked at the price and it was written 'RM60+'...

I was thinking to myself, wah I cant afford la.. Afterall, I dont use lipstick! haha.. But he kept on talking bout the product.. yada yada yada.. bla bla bla.. I especially hate things like this - people recommending me stuff... (when the fact is I work as a sales person too! haha!) before he finish his words, I already said "I dont think I need this" But he still didnt give up.. He showed me another product... OMG.. can u just go away?

I was looking at my colleague and she looked at me back.. Then we both smiled.. All the time the salesman was talking bout the product.. But he talked too slow and made me feel bored.. However just being polite, I acted as if I was listening intently.. Such a "poser".. huhu.. but the tone of his voice and the 'velocity' of his speeches really make me wanna yawn a thousand times.. And because my patience was getting lesser, I told him "I dont need this" but he still insisted and said I can pay after I get my salary.. so I replied him "Im gonna resign soon.." ouch, wrong answer.. He asked me with lots more questions.. Adui.. how to make this person go away?

Knowing that the situation got worse, I turned to my colleague for help.. But she didnt give any response.. So I stood up, faced the computer and made myself looked busy.. I didnt wana pay attention to what he say anymore.. But he was still talking and asking me questions.. Arrgghh!! I dont have anymore patience! So I told him "Why dont u leave your phone number, then I'll call u if I need this thing.." Instead he asked for my phone number.. But I refused to give him.. So there was a lil argument bout getting this phone number.. Actually I asked for his phone number just to make him go away.. Not that Im interested in those products!! But he refused to give me his phone number too.. So I also refused to give la.. At last, he asked for the number of the shop and my name.. I gave him the number, but my name I put as Jessica.. Haha!! Since when I become Jessica??!! xD

Hearing Im gonna resign soon, he said he knows a way to get RM5000 a month.. not again?! But I really wasnt listening already.. All I had in my mind that time was "Please go away before I become a beast..." I couldnt catch any word that came out from his mouth.. All I heard was "...can use to go travelling..." and nothing else.. Luckily he suggested that he will come back again tomorrow.. And that tomorrow is this morning.. After he left, I was thinking bout a thousand ideas how to disguise myself so that he wouldnt recognise me.. Maybe I should wear a wig, a huge specs and a false teeth... haha.. But when I think again, if I do that I feel like Im bad.. pity him cuz come all the way but then kena fang fei ji pula..

So, this morning I faced him again.. I was enjoying a choc cake when he walked in the shop.. Before he even got the chance to open his mouth, my manager told him sternly "we dont have interest in your product" But he replied "I came here to meet her (directing at me)" Gosh.. Shoot.. But before he even got the chance to speak again, my manager shoot words after words that wanted him to leave.. Thank goodness she (I mean my manager) came to 1Borneo today! At least she can be my saviour... haha.. After a few minutes of their "conversation", two customers walked in and I fled from the scene.. Let my manager handle him.. Haha...

At last he went out with a bitter smile.. however he still asked me whether I can meet him tomorrow or not.. I said "tomorrow Im not working" and walked away.. I kinda pity him but I really cant afford those things!! Im only 20 & not a billionaire.. and beside that I dont use those things!! It's not necessary.. Thank goodness my manager was there.. Her kou cai really good.. However I really felt her words just now was kinda mean.. not mean; I dont know how to describe.. But if I were the salesman just now, I would definitely felt hurt by her words.. But she was really stern and serious just now.. I couldnt be like that.. I will feel like Im being rude.. But I guess she got a lot of experience already handling situation like this.. =)

I Am Not Yours

Cant sleep... I couldnt even close my eyes for one second.. Even if I shut my eyes, my mind still keep on thinking bout lots of things..

Maybe I should be sleeping now.. cuz later I havta go to work.. But I feel uneasy as long as this thing still linger in my head.. I've been thinking about it a few times.. decided to post it in my blog long ago so that I could feel better, but I thought it might be a bad idea as well.. But then I cant stand the thought of it.. It's like this thought is haunting me.. So I just gotta let it out here..

I dont know where to start, cuz everything is so mixed up.. Maybe people cant even understand what I wrote here.. All I wanna say is: stop telling me what to do... And stop telling me I cannot do this and that...

I mean, c'mon la.. It's my life.. I deserve to choose the way I wanna live it.. And Im the one who gonna decide what's gonna happen in my life.. I dont mean I dont need advice or opinion from people around me.. I need those opinion, constantly.. Be it positive or negative.. I'm gonna accept it.. But it's just that if it's a negative opinion, give me one good reason why to support that negative opinion.. Just one good sensible and rational reason...

I've had enough of following everything that people asked me to do.. I've had enough of people stopping me from doing what I love to do... Cant they just leave the final decision to myself? I mean it's not like I've been forced or anything, but those constant words of i-dono-how-to-describe are diminishing my spirit... Why cant I choose who I wanna be with? Why cant I choose who's gonna be my friend? Why cant I choose how I'm gonna spend my life? Why cant I choose to make my own decision? Just because Im the youngest? Just because Im a girl? Just because I dont deserve to choose? Well, Im a human being.. I got my own desire and thoughts... If you want something that will follow everything that come out from your mouth, go get yourself a robot.. Im not a robot; definitely not yours.. I own myself and this life of mine..

If you think that Im gonna regret my own decision, then let me regret about it.. I prefer to regret things that I did because of my own decision, rather than regret bout things that I did because of other people's decision.. At least if my decision is wrong, I can keep in mind not to repeat the same mistake again. If Im going to cry a river because of my own wrong decision, then just let me cry a river.. The next thing that I need is just supportive encouragement even though I know in reality that's not what really gonna happen..

I know people around me are just being kind and concern.. And that is why they constantly give me their opinion and advice.. but sometimes it's too much and I cant take it.. And because those are words of discouragement, it breaks my heart so much.. it's not once or twice I've heard it.. And I understand everything got its own pros and cons.. But some issues are very sensitive and fragile for me.. And so I become extra sensitive when people talk about it.. Yes, those words of discouragement and disapproval really break my heart.. It's more hurtful than any physical pain... And can become a venom that poison and influence my mind..

For now, Im just looking for happiness.. I feel that I've found that happiness.. But why these ears keep hearing that it is not yet my happiness? Maybe it's not, but I feel it is.. It is the happiness that give me life, supply me with energy, shower me with love, fuel my spirit, open up my heart more and become less bad-tempered... That's the magic that it can do.. But recently I feel the magic is fading.. And so is everything..

I dont mean Im blaming or accusing anyone here.. And I dont really need an offer of solution.. Im just writing out what's on my mind.. And make myself feel better...

MoMmA....

dAmn I'm tired!!

I woke up kinda early today, at about 6.00 something; cause my parent were going to send my eldest brother to the bus terminal in Inanam. Whereas me, I was supposed to get ready to work as they know that I will oversleep after they leave... xD However because I was still very sleepy, so I went back to sleep. Hehe.. N luckily, I didnt oversleep! Hehe.. And I managed to reach my workplace earlier than I thought.. =) Good. Another day of being punctual. Im lovin it so much... =)

Okie finished bout work, now we move on to another topic...
I'd planned that I will bake a cake for my mum (for Mother's Day) right after work today.. Actually I wanted to order cupcakes from Cakewalk in Facebook.. But then it was too late already to place my order, and beside that I was kinda trying to save money as I'm going to need it on many other different activities, events and so on.. So alas, this idea of baking a cake myself was the best that I could think of.. =)

However, I received an invitation from an ex-classmate to go out yumcha tonight.. I really wanted to go.. But then I remembered the cake... So I hesitated which I should choose... In the end, I decided to bake the cake as quickly as I can then go out yumcha with them. Something stopped me though... I dont have any transportation to go there... So I wondered and wondered.. I did asked a few friends (which I really dont feel like bothering actually, cuz I got my own license already), but then they also cannot help me.. So, lastly I thought to myself "cancel la... its better if I just stay at home and concentrate on baking the cake for mum"

So after reached home, I washed my hands and changed my clothes then directly started my job.. I hadnt even had dinner yet that time.. All I could think about was to finish baking the cake as soon as possible.. hAha.. So everything started off quite well.. But then suddenly I remembered that the butter was still not melted yet.. And most importantly, I wasnt even sure how to make cream for cakes!! LOL!! OK, honestly I never make cream for cakes.. Last time when I baked a cake for a friend pun I didnt make the cream. Instead I replaced the cream with icing sugar... She and her family still said it tasted good.. So... I dont really need the cream I guess... Hehe.. But I just wanna try it this time..

However because my mum seldom bake and so there were no baking equipment in the house.. Just a microwave.. So because there is no mixture in the house, I gotta use my own hand to mix the whole thing.. It's insanely tiring.. I could feel that all muscles on my arm are tightening already.. haha.. My mum did helped me every now and then to find stuff cuz I didnt ready those things before I start baking..

So after done baking the cake, it was time to make the cream.. Well according to my friend, in order to make the cream I have to use egg whites from 5 eggs, sugar and vanilla essence... But I couldnt find vanilla essence in 1 Borneo and I was lazy to drop by CP and look for it.. So I just left out this ingredient, with the thought that the cream will still be cream without vanilla essence.. haha.. and beside that, knowing the cake is going to be small so I just used 3 eggs instead of 5...

what I didnt know was that my friend was right.. I need a mixture to mix the ingredients... I was just stubborn enough to listen and thought that it might not be that hard to use my hand to mix it.. Just mix egg whites and sugar ba... What could be harder than that?? But then my friend was right... I almost wanna give up when I'd been mixing the ingredients for 15 minutes only (!!!) which was because I still didnt see the egg whites become creamy / cream... So I continued mixing until 30 minutes... Then I couldnt bear it any longer, I just poured the whole thing on top of the cake.. And voila, that's how the cake looked like after I poured the "cream" and decorated it:

It was really simple and not that nice la.. What to do la.. I'm not an expert.. Im just someone who dont know how to cook but can still bake la.. haha... After tried a tiny slice of the cake (my mum was like didnt wanna eat the cake!! LOL!!) , my mum said it tasted delicious.. Even my father said the same thing.. Haha.. Well, I cant cook doesnt mean I cant bake! I always success in baking though not in cooking..! =D So when I presented that cake to my mum, she just looked at it without a word.. What's in her mind, I wonder.. I dont know.. I just wanna show her my appreciation of everything that she had done for me.. I had been a bad girl, didnt even get a good result and cant further my study oversea, so I hope this simple thing that I did for her will at least make her happy.. =)

She's not getting any younger, she's live for more than half century already.. Her age is triple of my age.. My other siblings arent here always... So who else going to help her and my father if it's not me? But I often become the spoiled one.. Huhu.. I wish I could do better to help... But for now, lemme write these: "I love you mum, Happy Mother's Day!"