I Am Not Yours

Cant sleep... I couldnt even close my eyes for one second.. Even if I shut my eyes, my mind still keep on thinking bout lots of things..

Maybe I should be sleeping now.. cuz later I havta go to work.. But I feel uneasy as long as this thing still linger in my head.. I've been thinking about it a few times.. decided to post it in my blog long ago so that I could feel better, but I thought it might be a bad idea as well.. But then I cant stand the thought of it.. It's like this thought is haunting me.. So I just gotta let it out here..

I dont know where to start, cuz everything is so mixed up.. Maybe people cant even understand what I wrote here.. All I wanna say is: stop telling me what to do... And stop telling me I cannot do this and that...

I mean, c'mon la.. It's my life.. I deserve to choose the way I wanna live it.. And Im the one who gonna decide what's gonna happen in my life.. I dont mean I dont need advice or opinion from people around me.. I need those opinion, constantly.. Be it positive or negative.. I'm gonna accept it.. But it's just that if it's a negative opinion, give me one good reason why to support that negative opinion.. Just one good sensible and rational reason...

I've had enough of following everything that people asked me to do.. I've had enough of people stopping me from doing what I love to do... Cant they just leave the final decision to myself? I mean it's not like I've been forced or anything, but those constant words of i-dono-how-to-describe are diminishing my spirit... Why cant I choose who I wanna be with? Why cant I choose who's gonna be my friend? Why cant I choose how I'm gonna spend my life? Why cant I choose to make my own decision? Just because Im the youngest? Just because Im a girl? Just because I dont deserve to choose? Well, Im a human being.. I got my own desire and thoughts... If you want something that will follow everything that come out from your mouth, go get yourself a robot.. Im not a robot; definitely not yours.. I own myself and this life of mine..

If you think that Im gonna regret my own decision, then let me regret about it.. I prefer to regret things that I did because of my own decision, rather than regret bout things that I did because of other people's decision.. At least if my decision is wrong, I can keep in mind not to repeat the same mistake again. If Im going to cry a river because of my own wrong decision, then just let me cry a river.. The next thing that I need is just supportive encouragement even though I know in reality that's not what really gonna happen..

I know people around me are just being kind and concern.. And that is why they constantly give me their opinion and advice.. but sometimes it's too much and I cant take it.. And because those are words of discouragement, it breaks my heart so much.. it's not once or twice I've heard it.. And I understand everything got its own pros and cons.. But some issues are very sensitive and fragile for me.. And so I become extra sensitive when people talk about it.. Yes, those words of discouragement and disapproval really break my heart.. It's more hurtful than any physical pain... And can become a venom that poison and influence my mind..

For now, Im just looking for happiness.. I feel that I've found that happiness.. But why these ears keep hearing that it is not yet my happiness? Maybe it's not, but I feel it is.. It is the happiness that give me life, supply me with energy, shower me with love, fuel my spirit, open up my heart more and become less bad-tempered... That's the magic that it can do.. But recently I feel the magic is fading.. And so is everything..

I dont mean Im blaming or accusing anyone here.. And I dont really need an offer of solution.. Im just writing out what's on my mind.. And make myself feel better...